Monday, January 17, 2005

I've always been a little self-conscious, but I'm really beginning to hate myself now. I've managed to write most of my 'LD' essay, but am now drawing a blank. I think I'm a little tired of it to be honest, so I'm going to give up now, and perhaps go to bed. That has very little to do with the reason why I'm in a state of self-loathing though.

There's only so much shit you can take. I've already realised in the last two months that my sarcasm can be a little harsh at some times, and that I don't always know when something's funny, and when it stops being funny. And I've tried my best to change that, though I sometimes have my little relapses. People still seem to think that I'm big-headed though, and that I'm constantly placing myself on a pedestal above them. I don't think this is true. Perhaps it is, and I'm just in denial, but at the end of the day, I think I'm just like any other person. If I really did consider myself above them, would I really care what I think? Or would I need them to wholeheartedly agree with my superiority just so that it would run smoothly? I don't know. All I know is that I'm fed up with people thinking that I'm that, when I'm not.

Perhaps it would help if I just started living life for myself. Not in a selfish way, but merely from the perspective of me being who I'm happy with being. I don't think that I'm happy the way I am now. I'd like to think that I could be happy, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure that I'm not happy now, and that it just isn't what it's cracked up to be. What is happy?

Anyways, I think I'm going to wash my face, brush my teeth, make up my hot water bottle, and just go to sleep. I don't think there's anything else I can do right now. I'll get up at 6am tomorrow morning, and work on my essay from about 7am. If I focus my attention solely on the essay, without the distraction of music, television, or the like, then I should have it finished by noon, and be ready to start working on my 'RLH' and 'MBaDtK' essays. I just wish I didn't have to do this right now. That way I could concentrate a little more on my existence, without having to worry about adhering to all this external validation bullshit. Or something like that. I'm never going to reach perfection, but it would be nice to at least see it on the horizon every once in a while. Anyway, fuck this depression crap. I'm going to go to bed. This is loser signing out.

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