Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Well, I didn't get up at 6am, or start working on my essay at 7am, but I did finish it, or at least call it finished, at noon. So, I'm halfway to fulfilling my self-written prophecy. Now it's just the other two and the reading for Friday. I could cry, die, or perhaps just lie... in bed, and not do anything at all.

Monday, January 17, 2005

I've always been a little self-conscious, but I'm really beginning to hate myself now. I've managed to write most of my 'LD' essay, but am now drawing a blank. I think I'm a little tired of it to be honest, so I'm going to give up now, and perhaps go to bed. That has very little to do with the reason why I'm in a state of self-loathing though.

There's only so much shit you can take. I've already realised in the last two months that my sarcasm can be a little harsh at some times, and that I don't always know when something's funny, and when it stops being funny. And I've tried my best to change that, though I sometimes have my little relapses. People still seem to think that I'm big-headed though, and that I'm constantly placing myself on a pedestal above them. I don't think this is true. Perhaps it is, and I'm just in denial, but at the end of the day, I think I'm just like any other person. If I really did consider myself above them, would I really care what I think? Or would I need them to wholeheartedly agree with my superiority just so that it would run smoothly? I don't know. All I know is that I'm fed up with people thinking that I'm that, when I'm not.

Perhaps it would help if I just started living life for myself. Not in a selfish way, but merely from the perspective of me being who I'm happy with being. I don't think that I'm happy the way I am now. I'd like to think that I could be happy, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure that I'm not happy now, and that it just isn't what it's cracked up to be. What is happy?

Anyways, I think I'm going to wash my face, brush my teeth, make up my hot water bottle, and just go to sleep. I don't think there's anything else I can do right now. I'll get up at 6am tomorrow morning, and work on my essay from about 7am. If I focus my attention solely on the essay, without the distraction of music, television, or the like, then I should have it finished by noon, and be ready to start working on my 'RLH' and 'MBaDtK' essays. I just wish I didn't have to do this right now. That way I could concentrate a little more on my existence, without having to worry about adhering to all this external validation bullshit. Or something like that. I'm never going to reach perfection, but it would be nice to at least see it on the horizon every once in a while. Anyway, fuck this depression crap. I'm going to go to bed. This is loser signing out.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Well, I may have not blogged in the past two months or so, but then, I'm sure there wasn't much to miss. Today, I grace my admittedly rather small readership with the announcement that for the gazillionth time, I'm quitting smoking. Though, this time, I want it to be REAL. I haven't had one in over 12 hours, but then, I slept through 9 of those. However, I have my mint flavoured Nicotinell as back-up, so should I feel the urge to go smokal, I can pop one of those lozenge things in my mouth. Not to sure I'm keen on the side-effects that can occur from giving up smoking on a long-term basis though, including indegestion/heartburn, dizziness, headaches and insomnia. I think I have a lot to look forward to. Yay! At least my lungs and circulatory system will be in better condition though.

Anyhow, aside from the non-smoking, I've got plenty of things to do, so I think I might just kind of push all thoughts of the deathstick to the back of my mind, and concentrate on reading the books I need to for my course, and then my assignments, of which there are three, all needing to be approx. 2500 words. One is due in next Wednesday, the other two the Wednesday after that. Meaning that if I manage to read the two books I need to for my Literature units, and the text extract for my Contemporary European Thought unit by the end of today, I can start work on the essays tomorrow with a total of 13 days to spare between the three of them. Which means about four days and a bit on each one, which doesn't seem too unreasonable. But at the same time, doesn't allow for too much contemplation on what it is that I'm going to write. This is going to be about as much fun as the non-smoking. Yay! I can't think of an upside to this.

I might be seeing House of Flying Daggers tonight though. And if I am (or do... whatever), then I guess that gives me more than enough to be excited about. I haven't been to the cinema in ages, and I believe the last time that I did was to see Blade Trinity, which was shit as you like. Well, it was only a month ago, but that's still four more weeks than I would have liked. Saying that, I haven't had the chance to watch many movies at all. I incorporated watching The Birds and Heavy Metal (what a combination!) into my Christmas, but for the most part, when not working, drinking or eating, I was just existing; no more, no less.

Guess I could start reading.... (Jim Thompson, The Killer Inside Me)....