Monday, October 18, 2004

who needs enemies...

I don't know whether it's intentional or not, but it seems to me that ever since I've come back to Portsmouth and met up with the guys again, I've ended up feeling pretty down and depressed. Am I really depressed, or just being melodramatic? Saddened, then. Disheartened. Whatever.

For example, D, I and L decided to go out tonight on a lad's night out. I was adamant that I would not go. Apart from the fact that being around them 24 hours a day is starting to do my head in, I've got a seminar at 9am tommorow morning, so I didn't want to have to fall out of my bed like some extra from a Romero movie. I hate feeling hungover, especially when I've got a class. Which is cool, or is it? I don't know. I sometimes feel that by caring about how I come out at the end of my course, I'm missing out on the social aspects of student life. I guess I resent them in a way. Given my inability to find anybody special, and their ability to have special people and still find others, I guess I just feel socially inferior. No. I know I feel socially inferior, I know I am socially inferior, and they know all that too. And the fact that I know that they know that, probably means that I'm paranoid, or something like that. Anyways, I just feel like I'm being mocked sometimes: that my social deficits are being made light of at my expense. And nobody likes being the butt of a joke. Perhaps I should remember this feeling when I turn sarcastic on peoples' asses. I won't. But I should.

However, rather than dwell too long on my so-called dilemma, I'm going to try my best to plan how I'm going to improve myself in the face of it... or at least learn to ignore it. Now where do I start...?

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