Monday, April 26, 2004

silence is golden, and, regretfully, actions always have effects...

Sometimes I feel as if I really should just keep my mouth shut. Or perhaps just have the ability to speak taking me from me. Not in a fascist 'shut up or we will kill you' kind of way, more a psychological state of muteness, or disappearance of the tongue kind of the way. I find that nine times out of ten, if I've got myself into trouble - whatever sort of trouble - then it's because of my mouth, or something that it's done. This would be kept to an absolute minimum if I actually engaged my brain before speaking out... but after a lengthy attempt at doing this, I'm thinking absolute silence is probably my best bet. A kind of 'silence is golden' methodology. Of course, silence in itself can be pretty rude. Perhaps from now on, I shall only speak when spoken to. Of course, this in itself will become pretty offensive to some, since I will begin to begrudge those around me for imposing this restriction on me. One could say that it was, in fact, a self-imposed restriction, but then I am considering the imposition of it for the possible good of my society. Maybe I should just brush that chip off my shoulder, and stop being so pessimistic. But how...?

Nevermind that. I had over 12 hours sleep last night. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of recuperating for nights of lost sleep, but I am sure that it was my body's way of getting in the way of my brain doing some serious studying today. I've managed to put in 25 minutes of reading Mikhail Bakhtin's 'Epic and Novel'. I've also made notes, but all this is pretty sub-standard, and I know that I can do better, I just seem to be in a mood that is stopping me from progressing. Perhaps I should blame music - I seem to just want to flake out and listen to my music - or perhaps my games - my brain seems to want to engage in a bit of GTA: Vice City or SSX 3 more than it does my work. I don't know. Perhaps I should just stop procastinating on the cause of this melancholy - is it? or is it just laziness? - and put it to the back of my mind for future resolution, and get on with the work instead. That's obviously the more sensible option, but since when have I had enough sense to be sensible? Is this what being a student has reduced me to? A man whose life revolves around the struggle between being studious, outgoing and sociable, and downright lazy? I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just slightly infuriating, and difficult to be in control of. Besides, why should a man put so much effort into being mostly studious, and sometimes outgoing and sociable, when being downright lazy and a bit of a slacker requires absolutely no effort at all? Perhaps I'm just scared of commitment, and responsibility. It just seems that the more things that a person takes on their shoulders equates to the higher they're climbing, and ultimately, the farther they'll fall. Perhaps I'm scared of commitment and responsibility, and, ultimately, failure. When can one judge that they have failed? Or that they are failing? Or that they will, at some point, begin to fail? I think that somehow, we're always failing. And if this is the case, and failure is unavoidable, is the prolonging of success, and the ignorance of failure worth it? Probably. Oh to be naively optimistic about life.

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